1 00:00:51,418 --> 00:00:55,479 (Car radio) ♪ So let me introduce I'm g-neither man or moose 2 00:00:55,522 --> 00:00:59,322 ♪ So, g-know, g-know, g-know I'm a gnu 3 00:01:06,866 --> 00:01:10,632 (Singing along to radio) ♪ I'm a gnu, I'm a gnu 4 00:01:11,538 --> 00:01:14,564 ♪ The nicest work of g-nature in the zoo 5 00:01:15,275 --> 00:01:16,936 - ♪ I'm a gnu - I believe you. 6 00:01:16,976 --> 00:01:19,001 ♪ How do you do? 7 00:01:19,045 --> 00:01:21,775 ♪ You really ought to g-know who's w-who ♪ 8 00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:23,646 How much farther is this gaff? 9 00:01:23,683 --> 00:01:26,652 By the left... wheel! 10 00:01:27,554 --> 00:01:29,545 What does go on under that beret? 11 00:01:30,356 --> 00:01:34,122 - Memories, Lovejoy. Memories. - ♪... I'm g-neither man nor moose 12 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:38,221 - ♪ So g-know, g-know, g-know... - ♪ I'm a gnu ♪ 13 00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:54,043 (Car horn toots) 14 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:56,071 - Good morning. - Morning. 15 00:01:59,419 --> 00:02:01,319 Lovejoy, there's a slight problem. 16 00:02:01,354 --> 00:02:05,450 The client's virtually broke. He's spent all his money renovating... Where are you going? 17 00:02:05,492 --> 00:02:08,757 We had a contract. You decorate, me furnish, him pay. 18 00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:12,754 - Him not pay, me go. - Easy for you to quit. I've done my part. 19 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:15,359 Come and meet him. You're going to love him. 20 00:02:15,401 --> 00:02:18,427 Yes, he does have a certain charm, you know. 21 00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,666 And an overwhelming sense of honor. 22 00:02:22,542 --> 00:02:25,670 I don't mind if it's plastic as long as it looks like the real thing. 23 00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:28,840 Only this is the real thing and doesn't look like it, OK? 24 00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:33,912 - It wants to be all cut back... - Lovejoy, Major Linden Walker. 25 00:02:33,953 --> 00:02:37,389 - Stinker! - Ha ha! My goodness me! 26 00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:40,857 Mr. Lovejoy. Oh, goodness me, this is a pleasure. 27 00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:43,488 - I've heard so much about you. - I've heard about you, too. 28 00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:49,127 Now, I'm sure if you and Jane work together, I stay strictly out of it, things will get done. 29 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:52,161 - What do you say? - I say, what are you using for money? 30 00:02:52,205 --> 00:02:54,139 Lovejoy, please! 31 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:57,041 No, I like a man who comes straight to the point. 32 00:02:57,076 --> 00:02:58,634 Yeah, money. 33 00:02:59,312 --> 00:03:03,180 Tell you what. Come with me and I'll show you a photograph of it, OK? 34 00:03:05,818 --> 00:03:08,480 Excuse me. Coming through, thank you. 35 00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:13,288 Bonkers, broke and an old buddy of Tinker's. Not exactly the best credentials in the world. 36 00:03:13,326 --> 00:03:16,693 So when that still, small voice at the back of the old head says, 37 00:03:16,729 --> 00:03:20,290 "Danger, Lovejoy, you're about to be turned over," why don't I walk... 38 00:03:20,333 --> 00:03:22,324 - Lovejoy! - Come on. 39 00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:24,928 That's why. A chance to help old friends. 40 00:03:26,272 --> 00:03:30,641 Now, as you know, Lovejoy, there is a deadline. 41 00:03:30,677 --> 00:03:32,668 Why are we following him? 42 00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:35,010 (Tinker) Mark of a true officer, Lovejoy. 43 00:03:35,582 --> 00:03:41,851 Civilians will be here in three days, so we'll need tables, tables, tables to eat the rations off. 44 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,047 Now, then. 45 00:03:47,827 --> 00:03:49,727 Aunt May from Windsor. 46 00:03:49,762 --> 00:03:53,129 She'll be down for the opening. 47 00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:56,363 You remember her. Came to the demob party of '58. 48 00:03:56,402 --> 00:04:00,771 - Played the piano. - Exactly. Now, what do you see? 49 00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:03,537 Aunt May brandishing bananas. 50 00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:08,980 Exactly. But whence come the bananas Aunt May brandisheth? 51 00:04:10,216 --> 00:04:13,982 - Lovejoy! - Two silver bowls, Stinker. 52 00:04:14,020 --> 00:04:18,150 Paul de Pomerey, 1760... ish. 53 00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:22,952 Ah, well, now you're talking. About 40 grand, if they're genuine. 54 00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:24,691 Oh, solid as a rock. 55 00:04:24,731 --> 00:04:29,134 Now, cash these in for me, Lovejoy, and buy me what I want out of the proceeds, OK? 56 00:04:29,168 --> 00:04:31,602 Does she know she's giving them to you? 57 00:04:31,638 --> 00:04:35,130 If you don't believe me, go and fetch her tomorrow morning. Bruce? Bruce! 58 00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:38,203 Give Lovejoy Aunt May's address, will you? 59 00:04:38,244 --> 00:04:41,304 Oh, and one thing I do need. A piano. 60 00:04:41,347 --> 00:04:43,679 I know where to get a square Dutch job. 61 00:04:43,716 --> 00:04:46,583 Wonderful tone, last time I heard it. 62 00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:51,056 You know what we want it for. Crime And Punishment ride again! 63 00:04:52,058 --> 00:04:55,459 ♪ Behind that monarch of the road 64 00:04:55,495 --> 00:04:57,463 ♪ Observer of the Highway Code 65 00:04:57,497 --> 00:04:59,556 ♪ That big six-wheeler scarlet-painted... ♪ 66 00:04:59,599 --> 00:05:02,067 They met in the national service... Whoops! 67 00:05:02,101 --> 00:05:06,128 Sort of a two-man ENSA. They used to entertain the brass. 68 00:05:06,172 --> 00:05:10,199 Linden a musical hall turn? But he comes from such a good family. 69 00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:12,143 So do I, and look where I spent last year. 70 00:05:12,178 --> 00:05:14,271 Would you give the gentleman this address? 71 00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:16,782 I'm doing nothing until I see that silver. 72 00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:18,613 Oh, Lovejoy, time is of the essence. 73 00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:21,848 Look, what say I give you some petty cash? 74 00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:23,879 - Thank you. - Erm... 75 00:05:25,958 --> 00:05:27,755 (Heavy metal music on headphones) 76 00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:29,785 Hello! Anybody there? 77 00:05:34,734 --> 00:05:37,100 - (Gasps) - Sorry, mate, but I did knock. 78 00:05:37,136 --> 00:05:39,331 - What? - I said, sorry, but I did knock. 79 00:05:39,372 --> 00:05:43,934 Oh, it's like being at sea. First moments ashore, you feel like the land's heaving. 80 00:05:43,976 --> 00:05:46,877 Same with that band. Turn 'em off and you can still hear 'em. 81 00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:49,814 Bleugh! Oh, that's better. 82 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:53,945 - You buying or selling, mate? - I'm visiting. Old friends getting together. 83 00:05:53,986 --> 00:05:57,114 - Where is he? I've tried the cottage, but... - Lovejoy? 84 00:05:57,156 --> 00:06:00,319 - Oh, he's out on a buying trip for the firm. - Yeah? 85 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,488 You're having me on, ain't you? You've melted him down. 86 00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:05,793 To be honest, I thought he'd come on more than that. 87 00:06:05,832 --> 00:06:08,323 (Sniffs) Smells right, though. 88 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:11,531 No, that's what we call glue in the trade, Mr. Erm? 89 00:06:11,571 --> 00:06:14,267 - Mr. Palmer. - Well, can I help, Mr. Palmer? 90 00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:16,639 No. I've got to see Lovejoy. 91 00:06:17,777 --> 00:06:20,940 It's all right, Mr. Palmer. Lovejoy doesn't keep any secrets from me. 92 00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:23,471 Don't you kid yourself, son. 93 00:06:23,516 --> 00:06:26,883 What, meet him inside, did you? Share the same cell or... 94 00:06:26,919 --> 00:06:31,447 Well, same landing, put it that way. Yeah. 95 00:06:32,358 --> 00:06:35,384 Well, I'm going to have to be honest with you, Mr. Palmer. 96 00:06:35,428 --> 00:06:40,627 I know it's very difficult when you first come out, but we can't offer you work. 97 00:06:40,666 --> 00:06:43,362 - Do you think you could give me a hand? - Yeah, yeah. 98 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:46,668 No, I'm not looking for a sub. It's more social than business, you know? 99 00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:48,697 Ah. Right. 100 00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:53,041 - Come to think, he did talk about a partner. - Yeah? 101 00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:58,574 Gordon Bennett, you're wearing well for a man of 50, who's been half cut since Coronation Day. 102 00:06:58,618 --> 00:07:01,143 Oh, no, that's Tinker. He works for us. 103 00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:06,352 You see, basically, we split the work two ways and Tinker does all the running around for us. 104 00:07:06,392 --> 00:07:11,159 Lovejoy looks after the buying and selling and I'm more the hands-on end of things. 105 00:07:11,197 --> 00:07:13,529 - The expert, eh? - If you like. 106 00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:18,628 - What are you doing now, then? - This is what we call restoring, Mr. Palmer. 107 00:07:18,671 --> 00:07:21,572 You see, Lovejoy brought this back from one of his trips. 108 00:07:21,607 --> 00:07:26,067 It's been up against a radiator for 50 years. All the joints are shriveled. It's falling to bits. 109 00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:30,708 But you give me a week and I will have it looking as good as new. Or old! 110 00:07:30,750 --> 00:07:35,687 Cor, blimey! He's fallen right with his feet on the ground, hasn't he? 111 00:07:35,721 --> 00:07:39,418 An expert like you, with all that knowledge and expertise at his fingertips. 112 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:43,657 But tell me something. Have you never heard of superglue? It'd spare the pen-and-ink. 113 00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:47,063 Authenticity, Mr. Palmer. That's my trademark. 114 00:07:47,099 --> 00:07:49,567 - Would you mind passing me that clamp? - No. 115 00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:55,604 You see, this glue is the same glue that was used by craftsmen 200 years ago. 116 00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:58,735 - Go on. - Hepplewhite, Sheraton, Chippendale. 117 00:07:58,778 --> 00:08:01,941 - What's in it, then? - Well, I don't know. It'll say on the label. 118 00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:04,142 Lovejoy buys it in the supermarket. 119 00:08:04,183 --> 00:08:07,084 If you don't mind me saying so, haven't you gone a bit mad with... 120 00:08:07,119 --> 00:08:11,112 - Hey, please, Mr. Palmer. - Sorry. You're the expert. 121 00:08:11,924 --> 00:08:14,324 I'll tell you what, I'll wait in the garden. 122 00:08:37,817 --> 00:08:40,285 Just trying to remember if I liked you or not. 123 00:08:41,654 --> 00:08:44,714 - Got your bearings yet? - What can I do for you, George? 124 00:08:46,726 --> 00:08:49,126 - Cheese and pickle? - No. 125 00:08:49,161 --> 00:08:53,257 Well, you might not believe this, but I've actually come down here to thank you. 126 00:08:53,299 --> 00:08:57,565 Those lectures you did on French Renaissance furniture, they were an inspiration to me. 127 00:08:57,603 --> 00:09:00,128 You and the two geezers from D Wing, you mean? 128 00:09:00,172 --> 00:09:05,940 I'm not a screw anymore. No. Took my pension, set up in business. 129 00:09:05,978 --> 00:09:08,242 House clearance. 130 00:09:09,248 --> 00:09:11,773 I thought we might join forces occasionally. 131 00:09:12,985 --> 00:09:15,647 Yeah, maybe. Anything on the cards? 132 00:09:16,689 --> 00:09:19,658 As it happens, yeah. A place called Dashwood House. 133 00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:35,364 Ah... Angela, is it? We spoke on the phone. 134 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:38,206 - So you must be Mr. Palmer. - That's right. 135 00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:40,576 - Hello. - Hello. Uh, this is Lovejoy. 136 00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:43,411 - Hello. - Hello. Tables and chairs, you said? 137 00:09:43,449 --> 00:09:46,111 - That's right. - Have a look round. 138 00:09:47,119 --> 00:09:49,110 - I'll be in the kitchen. - OK. 139 00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:54,322 - I expect you'd like some coffee? - Mm. 140 00:09:55,795 --> 00:09:57,922 It's both of them, Your Ladyship. 141 00:09:58,864 --> 00:10:03,164 Fetch this, carry that, run down there with this. 142 00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:05,432 Do a fan dance on the way! Huh! 143 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,838 Do you want to hear something really disgusting? 144 00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:14,642 - I'm not altogether sure. - He's started borrowing money off me. 145 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:18,548 Lovejoy? That means he likes you. He does it to all his friends. 146 00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,782 Well, he borrowed 20 quid Friday morning. 147 00:10:21,821 --> 00:10:24,722 Why? To make up my wage packet Friday evening. 148 00:10:25,524 --> 00:10:27,788 My mum says it's robbing Paul to pay Paul. 149 00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:33,192 You know, there's precious little here that's of any use. 150 00:10:33,232 --> 00:10:37,328 - Is there anything in the house, Eric? - So I thought, "Right, I'll show both of 'em." 151 00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:41,363 - Eric! - Look, what exactly is it you're after? 152 00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:45,741 The thing is, to decorate Linden's restaurant for the opening party. 153 00:10:47,346 --> 00:10:49,940 - What are you going as? - The Invisible Man. 154 00:10:50,716 --> 00:10:52,707 I'm not invited. 155 00:10:53,786 --> 00:10:55,219 Oh. 156 00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:59,051 There's some quite nice stuff here, George. 157 00:10:59,091 --> 00:11:01,582 Put the suit of armor and the candlesticks down to me. 158 00:11:01,627 --> 00:11:04,596 - Yeah? - A little bit of charm and we're on our way. 159 00:11:04,630 --> 00:11:07,827 That pension took 30 years to mature. Don't spend it all at once. 160 00:11:07,867 --> 00:11:10,335 - Real coffee, nothing like it. - Nice. 161 00:11:10,369 --> 00:11:13,270 - Seen anything you fancy? - Some bits and pieces on here. 162 00:11:13,305 --> 00:11:17,332 And we'd like the refectory table, the gate-leg and the drop-leaf, with chairs. 163 00:11:17,376 --> 00:11:20,277 - Price? - We thought 4,000. 164 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,482 Then it's a one-sided conversation. 165 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:26,883 Oh, that's just for the furniture. Another 2,000 for the bits and pieces. 166 00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:29,183 Cash? That makes six. 167 00:11:29,889 --> 00:11:31,880 - Half each, right? - Yeah. 168 00:11:34,994 --> 00:11:37,394 Expensive brand of charm, Lovejoy. 169 00:11:53,779 --> 00:11:56,339 - Good morning! - Good morning. 170 00:11:56,382 --> 00:12:01,115 If your name's Lady Jane, firstly, he says he'll see you at the auction. 171 00:12:01,153 --> 00:12:05,385 Second, what did he ever do to deserve crumpet like you? 172 00:12:06,258 --> 00:12:10,024 Could I set you straight on one or two matters, whoever you are? 173 00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:13,327 I'm the fella that's brought a bit of business his way. George Palmer. 174 00:12:13,365 --> 00:12:18,735 I'm Lovejoy's business partner. Crumpet, as far as I'm aware, is a cake one cooks on a griddle. 175 00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:22,101 - Sorry I spoke. - I share that view. 176 00:12:23,042 --> 00:12:25,909 Is this all the stuff from Dashwood House, Mr. Palmer? 177 00:12:25,945 --> 00:12:30,041 It is, yeah. It's en route to a place called Linden's. 178 00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:32,676 Subject, of course, to Her Ladyship's approval. 179 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:38,048 Eric! Now, that is exactly what I'm looking for. 180 00:12:38,824 --> 00:12:43,420 Well, it's a pity we couldn't get it in your size, pet. You must be about a 12. 181 00:12:43,462 --> 00:12:45,453 It's not for me, Mr. Palmer. 182 00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:49,366 I fight without armor, as you may well discover before much longer. 183 00:12:50,503 --> 00:12:52,971 - (Car horn toots) - Who's this, then? 184 00:12:53,005 --> 00:12:55,735 (Eric) Don't you think you'd better be on your way, George? 185 00:12:55,775 --> 00:13:00,212 Eric, hitch up Miriam, dear boy. We go in search of a piano. 186 00:13:00,246 --> 00:13:02,714 - Morning, Tinker. - Good morning, ma'am. 187 00:13:02,748 --> 00:13:06,912 Oh, this is the fella that does the running around for you and Lovejoy. 188 00:13:06,952 --> 00:13:09,887 Come along, lad, jump to it. We haven't got all day. 189 00:13:09,922 --> 00:13:12,686 You're the one who understands the mysteries of this trailer, 190 00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:15,285 so unravel them before I thicken your ear. 191 00:13:15,327 --> 00:13:17,659 (Laughs) What a character, eh? 192 00:13:17,696 --> 00:13:23,157 Yeah. Do you know, the way staff treat their employers these days... Shocking, innit? 193 00:13:23,836 --> 00:13:25,827 Wagons roll! 194 00:13:30,709 --> 00:13:35,942 - When did we actually meet, then? - You held a Victorian soiree. 195 00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:38,381 "Save the hedgehog", I think it was. 196 00:13:38,417 --> 00:13:41,682 I was prevailed upon to sing a small selection. 197 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:44,780 - What, all the words? - Comment at thy peril. 198 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:48,191 Well, nice to see you again. Here it is. 199 00:13:49,795 --> 00:13:52,389 - That's not it. - It is. 200 00:13:52,431 --> 00:13:54,160 No, there's been a mistake. 201 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:57,795 Look, you said on the phone you wanted my piano. 202 00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:01,329 We're getting the deluxe model of this next week. 203 00:14:01,373 --> 00:14:03,364 It'll take a bigger fish tank. 204 00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:06,640 Now, are you or are you not interested? 205 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:09,512 You had a four-legged Dutch job. Square. 206 00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:11,949 Ah! 207 00:14:11,984 --> 00:14:13,975 - Ah. - Ah. 208 00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:20,882 - Sacrilege. - Well, it is mine to do as I please with. 209 00:14:21,927 --> 00:14:24,657 50 miles for a three-legged potting bench. 210 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,997 I do have that piece, actually. 211 00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:33,433 I use it as a dibber. 212 00:14:34,306 --> 00:14:37,241 £300, Mr. Sorrel. My only offer. 213 00:14:37,276 --> 00:14:40,404 You can't give good money for this old rubbish! 214 00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:43,313 The young have no feeling for beauty. 215 00:14:43,349 --> 00:14:45,340 Especially when it comes to music. 216 00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:48,182 - (Discordant chord) - Stockhausen. 217 00:15:34,233 --> 00:15:36,599 - Been here before? - Once or twice. 218 00:15:36,635 --> 00:15:39,297 It's too big a schlep for day-to-day stuff. 219 00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:44,742 I do know that somewhere through there is a French restaurant that you would adore. 220 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,177 Since when have you been an authority on my tastes? 221 00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:49,976 With young Alexander away, there's no one to cook for you. 222 00:15:50,015 --> 00:15:53,075 German, mid 18th century. Quite wrong for Linden. 223 00:15:56,655 --> 00:15:58,816 They must have dropped the stuff off at lunch time. 224 00:15:58,857 --> 00:16:03,726 His name's George Palmer. He's a thickset bloke, fair hair, moustache, about 5' 10". 225 00:16:03,762 --> 00:16:08,290 Give us a break. That describes most people over 20. Let's have a squint at the ledger. 226 00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:10,097 - The woman? - A good-looker. 227 00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:12,695 Dark, tall, a very direct way about her. 228 00:16:14,106 --> 00:16:16,097 George? 229 00:16:32,891 --> 00:16:35,155 - Are you all right? - Oh, yeah. 230 00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:38,652 I just burgled a house and paid three grand for the privilege. 231 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:44,727 (Tinker) ♪ Very soon you'll find yourself inside the terminus 232 00:16:44,770 --> 00:16:49,332 ♪ In a London Transport, diesel-engined, 97-horsepower omnibus 233 00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:52,936 ♪ Hold very tight, please! Ting-ting! ♪ 234 00:16:52,978 --> 00:16:54,969 Hold tight. 235 00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:36,444 Richard Clayderman? 236 00:17:37,256 --> 00:17:39,190 No. Eric Catchpole. 237 00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:41,692 Out. Both of you. 238 00:17:47,766 --> 00:17:49,757 You got an M.O.T. For this scrap yard? 239 00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:52,669 Erm... Well, I dunno. It's my guv'nor's. 240 00:17:52,704 --> 00:17:56,105 Last time I saw anything as bald as that it was in The Magnificent Seven. 241 00:17:56,141 --> 00:17:58,905 - Terrific film! - Shut up. 242 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,846 Insurance? 243 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,871 License to kill? 244 00:18:04,783 --> 00:18:08,241 - Where are you taking the piano? - To a restaurant, Sergeant. 245 00:18:09,555 --> 00:18:12,490 - Peckish, is it? - Oh, very witty! 246 00:18:12,524 --> 00:18:16,517 Erm... Tell me, are you moving, or is it the car? 247 00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:18,530 Jem! 248 00:18:18,564 --> 00:18:20,555 Get the brake, quick! 249 00:18:25,971 --> 00:18:28,132 Dearie dearie me. 250 00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:30,164 Ha! 251 00:18:43,255 --> 00:18:44,847 Where is he? 252 00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:47,017 Major Walker is in London, madam. 253 00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:49,493 - Regimental reunion. - When's he back? 254 00:18:50,229 --> 00:18:54,359 I couldn't say, madam. These things have a habit of overrunning. 255 00:18:57,436 --> 00:18:59,700 - (Anguished groan) - Lovejoy... 256 00:19:01,173 --> 00:19:04,108 - Oh, Janey! Look! - Calm down. 257 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:06,304 Calm down, Lovejoy. 258 00:19:06,345 --> 00:19:11,612 This George and Angela, maybe they took a fancy to each other this morning when they met. 259 00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:13,641 Oh, give me a break. 260 00:19:13,685 --> 00:19:16,119 All right, so maybe they knew each other before. 261 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,850 So why didn't he say so? 262 00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:21,451 Some women like to keep their private lives private. 263 00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:25,361 What are you going to say to Linden? "All this stuff's stolen. Your party's off"? 264 00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:28,389 - Yeah. - He'll be so disappointed. 265 00:19:28,433 --> 00:19:31,300 Oh, and what will I be? Laughing at five years inside, eh? 266 00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:33,497 - Who are you phoning? - George. 267 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:40,101 My fingerprints are all over that place. He didn't touch anything and she wore rubber gloves. 268 00:19:40,145 --> 00:19:44,241 I thought you might hold off for a few days, as far as the police are concerned. 269 00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:47,081 - Till after the opening party. - Why? 270 00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:50,919 Well, Linden needs good publicity for the place to succeed. 271 00:19:50,956 --> 00:19:54,983 - If it fails, then... - We might not get paid. 272 00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:57,495 I was actually thinking of him. 273 00:19:57,529 --> 00:20:01,226 But now you come to mention it, yes, we could be out of pocket. 274 00:20:01,266 --> 00:20:05,430 And what's a few days, providing we tell the truth in the end? 275 00:20:05,470 --> 00:20:08,735 You do loosen up once young Alexander goes away, don't you? 276 00:20:08,774 --> 00:20:12,505 It being lunch time, madam, may I offer you a cold collation? 277 00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:14,535 No! 278 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:18,643 Before we do anything else, we should check Dashwood House, 279 00:20:18,684 --> 00:20:21,152 make sure Angela doesn't own it. 280 00:20:28,093 --> 00:20:29,583 (Angry shouting) 281 00:20:29,628 --> 00:20:33,928 - Don't start about the burglar alarm again! - Just tell the officer what's gone missing. 282 00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:36,434 - A table. - Yes, there's a table, some chairs. 283 00:20:36,468 --> 00:20:39,494 One or two small items. German candlesticks. 284 00:20:39,538 --> 00:20:43,099 A French clock. Can you believe a suit of armor? 285 00:20:43,141 --> 00:20:45,974 Typical of Mrs. M's daughter, choosing this week to give birth! 286 00:20:46,011 --> 00:20:48,502 - Oh, Andrea! - They certainly knew their onions. 287 00:20:48,547 --> 00:20:52,950 They sure did. They didn't touch that vase your mother gave me for my birthday. 288 00:20:53,852 --> 00:20:57,754 - It's not her, is it? - Like I said, I burgled her house this morning. 289 00:20:57,789 --> 00:21:00,485 That one, I blew three grand of your money. 290 00:21:00,525 --> 00:21:03,221 Come on, let's get it back from that Auntie May. 291 00:21:09,701 --> 00:21:12,499 Four o'clock this afternoon, mate. Right here. 292 00:21:13,372 --> 00:21:16,830 New tires, new brakes, new electrics. 293 00:21:17,643 --> 00:21:21,340 - Can't say fairer than that. - And an M.O.T., Adrian. 294 00:21:21,380 --> 00:21:26,545 - Pushing it a bit for time, aren't you? - Reputable garage like ours? Doddle! 295 00:21:26,585 --> 00:21:30,316 - Take it away, Carly. - Tell your guv'nor he'll be hearing from us. 296 00:21:37,029 --> 00:21:39,657 They won't be back till four. What're we going to do till then? 297 00:21:39,698 --> 00:21:41,825 Take advantage of the countryside. 298 00:21:45,437 --> 00:21:48,964 Auntie May can't live here. Are you sure there's not another Stables Road? 299 00:21:49,007 --> 00:21:53,307 - Well, it says Killdorry. - But she's one of your lot. Look. 300 00:21:53,345 --> 00:21:56,906 Well, shall we stand here guessing or go in and find out? 301 00:21:57,883 --> 00:22:00,283 Hello. Come in. 302 00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:03,220 - Mrs. Walker? - That's right. Do come in. 303 00:22:05,891 --> 00:22:08,553 You will excuse the clutter, won't you? 304 00:22:10,262 --> 00:22:14,926 I'm moving, you know. Well, of course you know, why else would you be here? 305 00:22:14,966 --> 00:22:17,799 We'll start with the kitchen. 306 00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:21,499 Erm... Mrs. Walker, I'm Lovejoy. 307 00:22:21,540 --> 00:22:26,170 Ah, that rings a bell. Any children yet? 308 00:22:26,211 --> 00:22:28,771 We thought we'd wait. 309 00:22:28,814 --> 00:22:33,683 - We're not actually married, Mrs. Walker. - Oh, I say! How exciting! 310 00:22:33,719 --> 00:22:37,655 We are friends of Linden's. We have come to take you to him. 311 00:22:37,689 --> 00:22:40,123 Oh, I'd best get ready then, hadn't I? 312 00:22:40,158 --> 00:22:43,389 Erm... You could start putting my things in your car. 313 00:22:43,428 --> 00:22:45,919 How long were you thinking of staying? 314 00:22:45,964 --> 00:22:51,425 Forever, dear. If he wants my silver, he gets me, as well. 315 00:22:51,470 --> 00:22:54,132 Well, I'm sure he's looking forward to it. 316 00:22:54,172 --> 00:22:56,868 You want to bet? 317 00:22:59,144 --> 00:23:03,638 We came over from Ireland, all of us, in 1928. 318 00:23:03,682 --> 00:23:07,118 Big house there, burned to the ground, you see. 319 00:23:07,152 --> 00:23:09,677 Oh, you'd have wept, Mr. Lovejoy. 320 00:23:09,721 --> 00:23:13,487 All the furniture, up in smoke. Some of it priceless. 321 00:23:13,525 --> 00:23:17,120 But you managed to hang onto some of the smaller stuff, though, eh? 322 00:23:17,162 --> 00:23:19,858 Oh, gold and silver was all in the bank. 323 00:23:19,898 --> 00:23:25,131 Daddy spent it as the years went on, rather than get a job in London. 324 00:23:25,170 --> 00:23:27,365 How come he left the tableware? 325 00:23:28,273 --> 00:23:30,639 Just one of those things, dear. 326 00:23:43,588 --> 00:23:45,579 Hands off! 327 00:23:45,624 --> 00:23:48,718 It's way past four and there's no sign of them yet. 328 00:23:51,897 --> 00:23:55,264 - North, I think. - Yeah, but we can't leave this stuff. 329 00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:58,394 I noticed a pay-phone as we passed through the village. 330 00:23:58,437 --> 00:24:01,998 The fact that it had a pub wrapped round it is pure coincidence. 331 00:24:02,774 --> 00:24:04,605 84. 332 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,874 - Where am I? - Three Horseshoes, Pillbridge. 333 00:24:10,916 --> 00:24:13,180 - Phone? - Over there. 334 00:24:14,519 --> 00:24:17,545 - Is he with you? - I'm afraid so. 335 00:24:17,589 --> 00:24:22,288 Otherwise, who knows what passions the two of us might unleash? 336 00:24:22,327 --> 00:24:24,318 Oh, you daft devil! What're you having? 337 00:24:24,362 --> 00:24:28,731 A large whisky, a small chaser, something for your bounteous self. 338 00:24:28,767 --> 00:24:32,635 And for our chaperone, a lager. The gassier, the better. 339 00:24:32,671 --> 00:24:35,640 - Cheers, Bev. - See you, lads. Drive safely. 340 00:24:37,576 --> 00:24:41,535 Be off with you. You're supposed to be there in 20 minutes. 341 00:24:42,814 --> 00:24:45,715 Darts team, away match. They nearly didn't make it. 342 00:24:45,750 --> 00:24:48,480 - Oh, dear. - Well, they didn't have any transport. 343 00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:50,647 Then someone lent Adrian his car. 344 00:24:50,689 --> 00:24:53,988 - Blue, with brown spots? - Death trap. 345 00:24:55,327 --> 00:24:57,318 Eric, come on! 346 00:25:12,711 --> 00:25:14,702 Lovejoy's gonna kill us. 347 00:25:14,746 --> 00:25:18,842 You paid three ton for a musical potting shed. Now I've given Miriam away. 348 00:25:18,884 --> 00:25:21,785 But we have our health. 349 00:25:21,820 --> 00:25:23,811 Let us go and drink to it. 350 00:25:28,994 --> 00:25:31,554 I haven't got the wherewithal. 351 00:25:31,596 --> 00:25:35,327 I haven't got the whitebait, the king prawns, the scallops or the Scottish salmon. 352 00:25:35,367 --> 00:25:38,165 - That's virtually the entire menu. - Same goes for the wine. 353 00:25:38,203 --> 00:25:42,333 - 123 quid or I'm off. - Three hundred! 354 00:25:42,374 --> 00:25:44,365 (Car horn toots) 355 00:25:47,145 --> 00:25:49,477 Lovejoy, Jane, look, vouch for me, will you? 356 00:25:49,514 --> 00:25:53,848 Oh, he's a terrific guy. Jane, will you tell Bruce we could do with a hand with the luggage? 357 00:25:53,885 --> 00:25:55,910 Tell him I'm good for the money as soon as I... 358 00:25:55,954 --> 00:25:59,355 Oh, Aunt! You're looking wonderful. 359 00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:02,155 Look, come up and explain to these gentlemen, will you? 360 00:26:02,193 --> 00:26:05,788 You're giving me some family silver by way of working capital, hmm? 361 00:26:05,830 --> 00:26:08,196 Why have you got your hair done like that? 362 00:26:08,233 --> 00:26:11,225 You've put on weight as well. Now, that's really silly. 363 00:26:11,269 --> 00:26:13,669 Can we discuss those criticisms later, Auntie? 364 00:26:13,705 --> 00:26:18,335 Erm... Gentlemen, it'll only take a minute. Just hang about and discuss Christian virtues. 365 00:26:18,376 --> 00:26:21,470 Like truth and honor and love of your fellow men and so forth. 366 00:26:21,513 --> 00:26:23,674 - Look, Auntie... - Where's my room? 367 00:26:23,715 --> 00:26:27,549 - It's in the attic. - Oh, I say, how romantic! 368 00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:30,987 - Romantic? You haven't brought a lover? - Don't be so silly. 369 00:26:31,022 --> 00:26:34,958 What are all the bags and luggage for? 370 00:26:34,993 --> 00:26:37,826 Are you sitting down, mentally, I mean? She's moving in. 371 00:26:37,862 --> 00:26:39,887 - No. - No move in, no silver. 372 00:26:39,931 --> 00:26:42,593 - It's in the bag. - You are fired, both of you. 373 00:26:44,169 --> 00:26:48,071 Ah... Mr. Williams. The tables in the restaurant. 374 00:26:48,106 --> 00:26:51,439 Could you help us unload them into your van, please? I'm sure one'll fit. 375 00:26:51,476 --> 00:26:54,912 Ah, no, sorry. Just letting off steam. 376 00:26:54,946 --> 00:26:58,746 - How was the regimental reunion? - Ruined by coming back here! 377 00:26:58,783 --> 00:27:03,846 - I noticed Tinker wasn't there. - Of course! He's a noncommissioned... thing! 378 00:27:03,888 --> 00:27:08,086 This isn't everything. My neighbor's going to bring the rest up, when I ask him. 379 00:27:08,126 --> 00:27:10,321 - What shall I do with this, sir? - You can... 380 00:27:10,362 --> 00:27:14,822 You look like a barman sort of chap. Could I have a dry sherry, please? 381 00:27:14,866 --> 00:27:17,835 Of course you can have a dry sherry, Auntie. 382 00:27:17,869 --> 00:27:19,860 You can have a whole crate of dry sherry 383 00:27:19,904 --> 00:27:23,704 if you could just persuade Albert here to use a little imagination. 384 00:27:23,742 --> 00:27:26,074 - How much do you owe them? - No, I couldn't, Jane. 385 00:27:26,111 --> 00:27:30,639 - 300 for Albert, and 123 for Percy. - Ten per cent off for an invite to the opening. 386 00:27:30,682 --> 00:27:33,116 - If you think I'm having... - Done! 387 00:27:33,151 --> 00:27:37,554 - Auntie, could I just have a look at the silver? - I think we'll put it in the safe, shall we? 388 00:27:37,589 --> 00:27:39,682 And then we can talk. 389 00:27:39,724 --> 00:27:41,715 Ah, thank you. 390 00:27:43,061 --> 00:27:48,761 I wonder if you might inform your business partner he needn't look so pleased with himself? 391 00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:52,600 There was a phone call from someone called Eric earlier. 392 00:27:52,637 --> 00:27:55,367 Apparently, they've impounded Miriam. 393 00:27:55,407 --> 00:27:57,068 Oh, thank you, Jane. 394 00:28:18,863 --> 00:28:22,060 - Good morning! - Oh! 395 00:28:28,139 --> 00:28:30,004 Why didn't you come last night, Lovejoy? 396 00:28:30,041 --> 00:28:33,841 The forecast was for showers. I was hoping you'd both get pneumonia and die. 397 00:28:33,878 --> 00:28:37,370 - Hold your horses, Lovejoy. Wait till you see... - Bike! Now! 398 00:28:55,667 --> 00:28:57,658 Car. 399 00:29:21,893 --> 00:29:23,884 Lovejoy? 400 00:29:26,064 --> 00:29:28,055 - Lovejoy? - What? 401 00:29:28,833 --> 00:29:30,926 Would you test me on my words? 402 00:29:32,804 --> 00:29:35,671 Linden and I are the cabaret for the opening night. 403 00:29:41,045 --> 00:29:43,707 A couple of large gins and I'm word perfect. 404 00:29:43,748 --> 00:29:46,444 Well, there's your answer, then. 405 00:29:46,484 --> 00:29:48,315 Lovejoy, I'm sorry about the piano. 406 00:29:49,053 --> 00:29:52,682 I'm sure we can hire one, and I think you're going to agree that it was worth... 407 00:29:52,724 --> 00:29:57,559 Crime And Punishment, eh? Why do you call yourselves Crime And Punishment? 408 00:29:57,595 --> 00:30:00,257 It was a long time ago, Lovejoy. 409 00:30:01,199 --> 00:30:05,966 Some talk of a Lagonda, some like a smart M... 410 00:30:06,004 --> 00:30:08,996 I know why you call yourselves Crime And Punishment. 411 00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:13,636 Major Crime Linden and Corporal Punishment... you! 412 00:30:13,678 --> 00:30:16,238 You were rank and file. You never were brass. 413 00:30:16,281 --> 00:30:19,409 - I never said I was. - You never denied it all these years. 414 00:30:20,852 --> 00:30:24,117 All right, Lovejoy, tell the world and make me look a prat. 415 00:30:24,155 --> 00:30:26,350 You don't need my help for that. 416 00:30:32,497 --> 00:30:35,295 I'd rather go as a humble British squaddie. 417 00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:39,099 Oh, I don't know! She offers you an emperor and you plump for Tommy Smith. 418 00:30:39,137 --> 00:30:44,200 Eric, you couldn't count the world wars we've had, let alone tell us anything about them. 419 00:30:44,242 --> 00:30:46,233 (Humming) 420 00:30:46,277 --> 00:30:50,179 I am not going to a party dressed up as an enemy of the British people. 421 00:30:51,816 --> 00:30:54,011 If you're so fond of the shmutter, you wear it. 422 00:30:54,052 --> 00:30:56,987 - I've not been invited, mate. - No? 423 00:30:57,021 --> 00:30:59,387 But you are going, I trust? 424 00:30:59,424 --> 00:31:03,417 - I wouldn't go if you paid me. - Ah! No sulking, young Eric. 425 00:31:03,461 --> 00:31:06,760 Listen, if I'm not good enough to be invited in the first place, then... 426 00:31:06,798 --> 00:31:11,064 They invited the whole firm. Your exclusion must have been a clerical error. 427 00:31:11,102 --> 00:31:13,366 They didn't know you worked for us. 428 00:31:13,404 --> 00:31:15,998 We fought against these people, too, you know. 429 00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:18,201 We fought most people, Tinker. 430 00:31:18,243 --> 00:31:22,043 Well, in that case, I shall either go naked or as a humble squaddie. 431 00:31:22,080 --> 00:31:23,911 Take your pick. 432 00:31:23,948 --> 00:31:26,075 Oh, do come, Eric. 433 00:31:28,620 --> 00:31:32,522 - Besides, I'll need a lift. - Especially if he's naked. 434 00:31:32,557 --> 00:31:37,392 And anyway, we do need somebody to make sure no one peers under the tablecloths. 435 00:31:37,428 --> 00:31:40,989 - Who's the music, then? - I am the music, dear boy. 436 00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:44,634 - Well, that's not much of a choice. - Pardon? 437 00:31:44,669 --> 00:31:49,834 You and that old piano? What a waste of Linden's three hundred quid that was! 438 00:31:49,874 --> 00:31:52,138 One end of it was held up by a pile of books. 439 00:31:52,176 --> 00:31:55,475 - Old books, Eric. - What's age got to do with it? 440 00:31:55,513 --> 00:31:58,482 You'd be surprised. 441 00:31:58,516 --> 00:32:01,610 No, Thanks very much, but I think I'll give it a miss. 442 00:32:01,653 --> 00:32:04,121 You can't say we didn't try. 443 00:32:04,155 --> 00:32:07,215 - Do you mind? - Sorry. 444 00:32:13,564 --> 00:32:18,001 ♪ This is the army, Mr. Jones 445 00:32:18,036 --> 00:32:22,268 ♪ No private rooms or telephones 446 00:32:22,307 --> 00:32:26,175 ♪ You had your breakfast in bed before 447 00:32:26,210 --> 00:32:29,611 ♪ But you won't get it there anymore ♪ 448 00:32:34,252 --> 00:32:37,949 No, seriously, Jane, the scallop has a really interesting sex life. 449 00:32:37,989 --> 00:32:40,583 Oh, yes? Dated a few scallops in your time, have you? 450 00:32:40,625 --> 00:32:44,117 - They do it from a distance. - A lot to be said for it, has that. 451 00:32:44,162 --> 00:32:46,722 Finally got it out of her. Like drawing teeth. 452 00:32:48,232 --> 00:32:52,362 - Oh, Andrea, my darling! - Sorry we're late, old man. 453 00:32:52,403 --> 00:32:54,530 - How was the holiday? - Oh, don't ask! 454 00:32:54,572 --> 00:32:59,134 Lovejoy! Those people... Dashwood House. 455 00:32:59,177 --> 00:33:01,645 - And when we got back... ...we'd been burgled. 456 00:33:01,679 --> 00:33:04,239 (Whispers) Percy, who's that? 457 00:33:04,282 --> 00:33:07,877 Linden's stockbroker. Not that he's got a lot of stock to broke. 458 00:33:16,361 --> 00:33:20,229 Lovejoy and the redhead, they're not married, you know. 459 00:33:20,264 --> 00:33:22,789 - No, that's right. - Oh, you knew, then? 460 00:33:22,834 --> 00:33:24,961 About them living together. 461 00:33:26,004 --> 00:33:29,098 - Did they take anything serious? - All my best furniture. 462 00:33:29,140 --> 00:33:32,803 - The tables and chairs. Didn't touch the safe. - No, or my jewels. 463 00:33:32,844 --> 00:33:35,438 - Thank God for that. - Have a word with Dennis. 464 00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:37,675 Detective Inspector Dennis Hardwick. 465 00:33:38,483 --> 00:33:40,041 Can't you put a bomb up someone? 466 00:33:40,084 --> 00:33:42,985 - Go and have some dinner. - Ah, actually, I've just eaten. 467 00:33:43,021 --> 00:33:47,185 - Well, go and eat some more. - Your station sent round a 12-year-old. 468 00:33:50,728 --> 00:33:54,459 Lovejoy, say hello to your favorite silversmith. 469 00:33:54,499 --> 00:33:56,490 Hello, Justin. 470 00:33:56,534 --> 00:34:01,699 - Justin's very interested in the silver. - He probably smelled it as he came in. 471 00:34:01,739 --> 00:34:06,142 Is it everything it's cracked up to be? I might have a buyer or two up my sleeve. 472 00:34:06,177 --> 00:34:09,078 - Have a look at it, Justin. - Ooh! 473 00:34:11,049 --> 00:34:14,212 Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, can I have... 474 00:34:14,252 --> 00:34:16,812 I'm on, Lovejoy. I'm going to sing. 475 00:34:16,854 --> 00:34:20,654 To aid your digestion, we have a cabaret item. 476 00:34:20,691 --> 00:34:26,493 - Our performers have really researched... - Get on with it, Bruce! 477 00:34:26,531 --> 00:34:28,590 I mean, can you believe three tables? 478 00:34:28,633 --> 00:34:32,569 One of them was this sort of size. You don't put that on a roof rack, you know! 479 00:34:32,603 --> 00:34:35,094 At least they didn't smear the walls with you know what. 480 00:34:35,139 --> 00:34:37,130 They even took a suit of armor. 481 00:34:39,110 --> 00:34:44,446 So, please put your hands together for Crime And Punishment! 482 00:34:49,821 --> 00:34:53,188 ♪ Some talk of a Lagonda 483 00:34:53,224 --> 00:34:56,660 ♪ Some likes a smart MG 484 00:34:56,694 --> 00:35:00,926 ♪ For a bonny army lorry 485 00:35:00,965 --> 00:35:05,026 ♪ They'd lay them doon and dee 486 00:35:05,069 --> 00:35:08,232 ♪ Such means of locomotion 487 00:35:08,272 --> 00:35:12,038 ♪ Seem rather dull to us 488 00:35:12,076 --> 00:35:13,634 ♪ A driver 489 00:35:13,678 --> 00:35:15,475 ♪ And conductor 490 00:35:15,513 --> 00:35:19,574 ♪ Of a London omnibus 491 00:35:19,617 --> 00:35:23,485 ♪ Hold very tight, please. Ting-ting! Hold very tight, please. Ting-ting! 492 00:35:23,521 --> 00:35:26,957 ♪ When you are lost in London and you don't know where you are... ♪ 493 00:35:26,991 --> 00:35:28,982 - Where's my husband? - I'm down here. 494 00:35:29,026 --> 00:35:32,291 - Oh, Geoffrey! - This is our table. 495 00:35:32,330 --> 00:35:34,958 That's the leg that Rex chewed. 496 00:35:34,999 --> 00:35:40,096 ♪ On a London Transport diesel engined, 97 horsepower omnibus 497 00:35:41,973 --> 00:35:46,137 ♪ Along the Queen's great highway I drive my merry load 498 00:35:46,177 --> 00:35:50,079 ♪ At 20 miles an hour in the middle of the road 499 00:35:50,114 --> 00:35:52,344 ♪ We likes to drive in convoys 500 00:35:52,383 --> 00:35:54,681 ♪ We're most gregarious 501 00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:56,584 ♪ In a big six-wheeled ♪ Scarlet painted 502 00:35:56,621 --> 00:35:58,816 ♪ London Transport ♪ Diesel engined 503 00:35:58,856 --> 00:36:00,847 ♪ 97 horsepower omnibus 504 00:36:00,892 --> 00:36:05,124 - ♪ Earth has not anything... ♪ - We've been rumbled. 505 00:36:05,163 --> 00:36:09,031 - ♪ Mind the stairs! Mind the stairs! ♪ - Stop all this at once! 506 00:36:09,066 --> 00:36:12,331 - Linden, where did you get this stuff from? - I don't know. Can't it wait? 507 00:36:12,370 --> 00:36:15,237 No, it can't. Those tables through there are mine. 508 00:36:15,273 --> 00:36:17,104 - (Andrea) Ours. - Ours. 509 00:36:17,141 --> 00:36:22,044 - Well, where did you get them from? - Where did we get them from? Lovejoy? 510 00:36:22,079 --> 00:36:24,445 Who the hell's Lovejoy? 511 00:36:31,889 --> 00:36:33,880 (Snoring) 512 00:36:37,495 --> 00:36:39,486 Lovejoy? 513 00:36:45,970 --> 00:36:48,063 Lovejoy! 514 00:36:48,105 --> 00:36:50,369 Oh, go away, Dennis. 515 00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:55,774 What are you trying to do to me, Lovejoy? 516 00:36:55,813 --> 00:36:57,781 I am one of the few people my side of the fence 517 00:36:57,815 --> 00:37:00,682 who reckons you're not as bent as a nine bob note. 518 00:37:00,718 --> 00:37:03,710 So what's with the paw prints all over Dashwood House? 519 00:37:03,754 --> 00:37:09,021 Oh, why would I leave paws all over a house that I was robbing? 520 00:37:09,060 --> 00:37:12,052 We have had a string of burglaries lately, Lovejoy. 521 00:37:12,096 --> 00:37:15,463 My guv'nor's going to want blood soon. Yours'll do. 522 00:37:15,499 --> 00:37:18,127 Give me a week, Dennis. 523 00:37:18,169 --> 00:37:23,573 Give me a week and I'll hand you the people that did Dashwood House on a plate. 524 00:37:23,608 --> 00:37:27,704 - Explain. - I explain better with my trousers on. 525 00:37:31,482 --> 00:37:33,473 Not what I've heard. 526 00:37:35,953 --> 00:37:38,319 BBC Essex. News update... 527 00:37:38,356 --> 00:37:42,087 We had a telex from the neighboring force yesterday. 528 00:37:42,126 --> 00:37:44,117 Subject: Your car. 529 00:37:45,263 --> 00:37:47,424 I can't keep bailing you out. 530 00:37:47,465 --> 00:37:49,456 I'll see to it this week, I promise. 531 00:37:50,701 --> 00:37:53,499 You're going to have a very busy week, aren't you? 532 00:37:54,538 --> 00:37:58,304 "George Palmer, house clearance." Not even subtle, is it? 533 00:37:58,342 --> 00:38:03,279 Well, this George might not be anything special, but Angela Moxon, she's very credible. 534 00:38:03,314 --> 00:38:08,377 Right, I'll run the phone number through the mangle. 535 00:38:08,419 --> 00:38:10,614 I thought it was a bit of kosher business. 536 00:38:10,655 --> 00:38:13,783 I mean, if you can't trust a screw, who can you trust? 537 00:38:13,824 --> 00:38:18,386 Get off! You just saw a chance to get into Her Ladyship's drawers at last. 538 00:38:18,429 --> 00:38:20,488 Blinded you to the danger. 539 00:38:20,531 --> 00:38:22,795 Crumpet'll be the death of you, Lovejoy. 540 00:38:25,870 --> 00:38:28,464 My car phone. You got one week. 541 00:38:34,645 --> 00:38:38,012 Will you turn that off? 542 00:38:38,049 --> 00:38:41,041 - Morning. - What's this all about, Lovejoy? 543 00:38:41,085 --> 00:38:44,987 These. You reckon they're worth about fifty grand, right? 544 00:38:45,022 --> 00:38:48,514 Only because you told us so, and as we all know, you are the expert. 545 00:38:48,559 --> 00:38:52,552 They were brought over from Ireland in the '20s. Right, May? 546 00:38:52,596 --> 00:38:54,154 Yes. 547 00:38:54,198 --> 00:38:58,635 Well, I think somebody scratched off de Pomeroy's signature 548 00:38:58,669 --> 00:39:00,603 and screwed around with the hallmark, 549 00:39:00,638 --> 00:39:06,201 because as an antique they were taxable, but as silver gilt they weren't. Am I right, May? 550 00:39:06,243 --> 00:39:09,610 Yes. That's why Daddy didn't spend them. 551 00:39:09,647 --> 00:39:12,741 By the time he got round to it, they weren't worth much. 552 00:39:12,783 --> 00:39:17,049 And knowing that, you still decided to move in with me. 553 00:39:17,088 --> 00:39:21,286 Yes. I was lonely, you see. 554 00:39:21,926 --> 00:39:25,453 - Well, how much are they worth? - About three grand, top whack. 555 00:39:26,997 --> 00:39:32,060 But they can be restored to their former glory with a little delicate engraving. 556 00:39:32,870 --> 00:39:34,531 - Ten per cent. - Three. 557 00:39:34,572 --> 00:39:36,164 - Five? - Top man! 558 00:39:36,207 --> 00:39:39,802 - Done. - Excuse me, Major, there's a call for Lovejoy. 559 00:39:39,844 --> 00:39:42,278 Would you thank Brucey for that information, Linden? 560 00:39:42,313 --> 00:39:45,180 Lovejoy says thank you for the information, Bruce. 561 00:39:45,216 --> 00:39:47,844 I suppose you'll want me to pack my bags. 562 00:39:47,885 --> 00:39:50,945 Strangely enough, Auntie, that was my first thought. 563 00:39:50,988 --> 00:39:53,320 Oh, Major Linden! 564 00:39:53,357 --> 00:39:56,053 Oh, Linden, she is your flesh and blood. 565 00:39:56,093 --> 00:39:58,561 Oh, it's all right, Mrs. Lovejoy. 566 00:39:58,596 --> 00:40:03,158 But I was looking forward to haute cuisine in my declining years, 567 00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:05,691 and people buying me drinks at the bar. 568 00:40:05,736 --> 00:40:09,263 My second was that you should wash up. 569 00:40:10,274 --> 00:40:12,139 A lot! 570 00:40:12,176 --> 00:40:14,804 I will do many things for you, Linden, 571 00:40:14,845 --> 00:40:17,507 but I will not wash up! 572 00:40:17,548 --> 00:40:19,709 - Bravo! - What do you mean, "Bravo"? 573 00:40:19,750 --> 00:40:22,446 Thank you, Dennis. 574 00:40:22,486 --> 00:40:24,886 George Palmer's head office. 575 00:40:42,873 --> 00:40:44,864 Cheers, mate. That's great. Ta. 576 00:40:44,909 --> 00:40:46,900 George! 577 00:40:47,745 --> 00:40:50,908 I've been trying to get hold of you for days, mate. 578 00:40:51,849 --> 00:40:54,215 Lovejoy. 579 00:40:54,251 --> 00:40:56,583 Of course, you've, uh... You met Angie. 580 00:41:02,660 --> 00:41:04,651 Hello, Angie. 581 00:41:05,629 --> 00:41:08,860 I made a bit of a fool of myself last time we met, didn't I? 582 00:41:08,899 --> 00:41:11,561 No problem. What do you want, Lovejoy? 583 00:41:11,602 --> 00:41:15,231 Want? What do I want? More of the same. 584 00:41:16,941 --> 00:41:21,401 I know you took me for three grand last time, but I made that back from the client, and more. 585 00:41:21,445 --> 00:41:23,640 Yeah, we thought you would. Didn't we, Angie? 586 00:41:23,681 --> 00:41:28,311 I don't blame you, wanting to keep the scam to yourself. Very nice, Angie. Very nice, George. 587 00:41:28,352 --> 00:41:31,150 Find out who's on holiday, break in at your leisure. 588 00:41:31,188 --> 00:41:33,213 Well, you see, what it is... 589 00:41:33,257 --> 00:41:36,488 - Angie's got a sister what works in the travel... - George! 590 00:41:37,628 --> 00:41:43,089 - So, you're not so squeaky clean after all. - George had me figured all along, Angie. 591 00:41:43,133 --> 00:41:45,033 What did I tell you, Ange? 592 00:41:45,836 --> 00:41:49,135 I can see you're the one I talk business to, Angie. 593 00:41:51,475 --> 00:41:54,000 See what you think of this. 594 00:42:10,861 --> 00:42:13,489 No, no... 595 00:42:13,531 --> 00:42:15,522 No, thanks. 596 00:42:30,514 --> 00:42:32,505 Excellent work. 597 00:42:32,550 --> 00:42:34,745 Well done, Mr. Um? 598 00:42:34,785 --> 00:42:37,447 Thank you, sir. When's the auction? 599 00:42:37,488 --> 00:42:39,752 Tomorrow. 600 00:42:39,790 --> 00:42:42,918 By the way, Lovejoy doesn't want us there. 601 00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:45,087 Low profile and so forth. 602 00:42:45,129 --> 00:42:48,997 Well, I wasn't thinking of the Normandy landings. Just you and me. 603 00:42:49,033 --> 00:42:51,024 Besides, you need a new piano. 604 00:42:51,068 --> 00:42:55,971 - On top of which, you have something to sell. - Really? 605 00:42:56,006 --> 00:42:59,203 They didn't call you Lucky Linden for nothing, old bean. 606 00:43:02,646 --> 00:43:04,637 Go on, then. Go on. 607 00:43:05,482 --> 00:43:09,418 - 1749. - How can you be so precise? 608 00:43:09,453 --> 00:43:14,152 Oh, we have our ways. One of them being it's carved on it, just there. 609 00:43:16,360 --> 00:43:18,590 Linden and his problems got in the way. 610 00:43:18,629 --> 00:43:20,961 - What of? - That lunch we planned. 611 00:43:20,998 --> 00:43:23,523 - Oh. - How about tomorrow, before the auction? 612 00:43:23,567 --> 00:43:25,558 OK. 613 00:43:31,675 --> 00:43:34,109 Why did you visit me inside? 614 00:43:34,144 --> 00:43:37,011 Oh, perhaps it's the one place I felt safe with you. 615 00:43:37,982 --> 00:43:41,383 Apart from which, I knew you were innocent. We both did. 616 00:43:41,418 --> 00:43:44,080 - Your old man as well? - Mm-hm. 617 00:43:44,121 --> 00:43:46,453 Just got to make a phone call, Janey. 618 00:43:48,692 --> 00:43:50,683 (Phone rings) 619 00:43:56,300 --> 00:43:58,291 - Hello. - Hello, Dennis. 620 00:43:59,570 --> 00:44:01,197 Done anything about your car yet? 621 00:44:01,238 --> 00:44:06,232 I thought you'd like to know that George Palmer and young Angie are doing a place right now. 622 00:44:06,276 --> 00:44:08,267 Where? 623 00:44:17,321 --> 00:44:20,222 - What do you reckon? - Reserve of 40,000. 624 00:44:21,625 --> 00:44:23,855 - Agreed. - May I? 625 00:44:24,728 --> 00:44:27,458 There are a lot of likely buyers out there. 626 00:44:27,498 --> 00:44:30,160 A big dealer from London was in earlier. Said he knew you. 627 00:44:30,200 --> 00:44:32,725 - Who? - Parrish. James Parrish. 628 00:44:32,770 --> 00:44:35,603 - Lovejoy! - Excuse me. 629 00:44:35,639 --> 00:44:37,630 Lovejoy! 630 00:44:46,583 --> 00:44:49,518 I told you two not to make a meal of it. 631 00:44:49,553 --> 00:44:51,544 You'll be glad we did turn up. 632 00:44:51,588 --> 00:44:53,749 Just don't clap when the silver goes down, OK? 633 00:44:53,791 --> 00:44:56,487 Patience, Lovejoy. 634 00:44:56,527 --> 00:44:59,394 Tinker, who's the blue suit with the red tie? 635 00:45:00,264 --> 00:45:03,199 He's a big London dealer. James Parrish. 636 00:45:03,233 --> 00:45:05,861 Specializes in silver. 637 00:45:10,974 --> 00:45:13,272 - Ting-ting! - Ha ha ha ha! 638 00:45:36,867 --> 00:45:40,826 Lovejoy, Chas Bullivant wants to see you up in his office. 639 00:45:40,871 --> 00:45:43,101 - What about? - He wouldn't say. 640 00:45:43,140 --> 00:45:47,099 But if it's bad news, remember, you have friends about you. 641 00:45:47,144 --> 00:45:49,339 Yeah, I know, but why are they all skint? 642 00:45:51,648 --> 00:45:54,947 - It looks good, it smells good, but it's rubbish. - Hang on, Chas. 643 00:45:54,985 --> 00:45:58,011 - The gear may be authentic, the hallmark isn't. - Of course it is. 644 00:45:58,055 --> 00:46:02,822 Knowing your past reputation, I had Jim Parrish give it a thorough going over. 1765, agreed? 645 00:46:02,860 --> 00:46:05,021 - So? - That makes him a very clever man. 646 00:46:05,062 --> 00:46:08,259 - He'd been dead for two years. - Sh! Chas! 647 00:46:08,298 --> 00:46:12,496 Chas! Chas, the stuff belongs to a Linden Walker. 648 00:46:12,536 --> 00:46:15,403 Now, a more honest chap you couldn't wish to meet. 649 00:46:15,439 --> 00:46:18,772 Major Walker, who wouldn't be seen dead with you because he's a gentleman, 650 00:46:18,809 --> 00:46:21,209 isn't here selling silver. 651 00:46:21,245 --> 00:46:23,611 He's selling a book. 652 00:46:23,647 --> 00:46:25,945 A book? 653 00:46:42,933 --> 00:46:45,766 - Afternoon. - Afternoon. 654 00:46:47,004 --> 00:46:49,564 - Nice day for it. - What? 655 00:46:49,606 --> 00:46:52,006 Well, screwing the aristocracy. 656 00:46:53,811 --> 00:46:56,006 Oh, my name's Hardwick, by the way. 657 00:46:57,414 --> 00:47:00,008 But you can call me Bill. 658 00:47:00,050 --> 00:47:02,382 Lovejoy! 659 00:47:02,419 --> 00:47:04,284 Never heard of him. 660 00:47:05,689 --> 00:47:10,126 600? Are you all done at £600? Once, twice... 661 00:47:11,261 --> 00:47:16,324 A Kirkwood baby grand, sold to Major Walker. Thank you very much. 662 00:47:16,366 --> 00:47:20,393 We turn now to an item which is not in your catalogs, ladies and gentlemen, 663 00:47:20,437 --> 00:47:23,167 but which has attracted considerable interest. 664 00:47:23,207 --> 00:47:28,702 It's a very fine copy of the second collected edition of Chaucer's works, 665 00:47:28,745 --> 00:47:32,704 edited by William Thynne, printed in 1532. 666 00:47:33,417 --> 00:47:36,250 May I start you off at £10,000? 667 00:47:36,854 --> 00:47:38,845 Thank you very much, madam. 668 00:47:38,889 --> 00:47:40,686 15,000, thank you, sir. 669 00:47:40,724 --> 00:47:44,387 £20,000. 25,000. 670 00:47:44,428 --> 00:47:47,056 30,000. £35,000 671 00:47:47,097 --> 00:47:48,530 40,000. 672 00:47:48,565 --> 00:47:51,500 £45,000. £50,000. 673 00:47:51,535 --> 00:47:54,163 Any advance on £50,000? 674 00:47:54,204 --> 00:47:56,934 - (Bullivant) £60,000. - (Hammer strikes) 675 00:47:56,974 --> 00:48:00,137 Yes, but he doesn't look an honest man though, does he? 676 00:48:00,177 --> 00:48:02,168 Tinker? What makes you say that? 677 00:48:02,212 --> 00:48:07,013 I have known a few soldiers in my time. Most of them ran wild back in Civvy Street. 678 00:48:07,050 --> 00:48:10,247 Tink, wild? We're talking about an officer and a gentleman. 679 00:48:10,287 --> 00:48:13,051 Excuse me, sir. Is this your vehicle? 680 00:48:15,659 --> 00:48:19,493 Maybe not much of a gentleman anymore, but certainly an officer. 681 00:48:19,529 --> 00:48:22,521 Khaki being thicker than water, he gave Linden the book. 682 00:48:22,566 --> 00:48:26,229 Not a bad return on capital, eh? Three hundred makes sixty grand! 683 00:48:26,270 --> 00:48:28,795 Well, it's nice to be paid for our work at last. 684 00:48:28,839 --> 00:48:31,706 He even gave us the three thousand George Palmer took. 685 00:48:31,742 --> 00:48:36,236 Oh, I'd forgotten about George. How goes the case against he and his lady friend? 686 00:48:36,280 --> 00:48:41,149 Didn't I tell you? Hardwick caught them red-handed, turning over a big house near here. 687 00:48:43,620 --> 00:48:47,420 Come on, Bruce. Show a little bit of initiative, for goodness' sake. 688 00:48:49,192 --> 00:48:51,183 Aunt May. 689 00:48:51,895 --> 00:48:55,331 Couldn't bear to sell them. Couldn't let them out of the family. 690 00:48:55,365 --> 00:48:59,461 Let's keep them for very special occasions. What do you say? 691 00:49:00,604 --> 00:49:03,402 I'm still not washing up for my keep. 692 00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:05,271 I'd rather go back to Windsor, 693 00:49:05,309 --> 00:49:09,302 to loneliness and the danger of being attacked. 694 00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:15,775 - Or having a fall. - Aunt May, on the domestic front I surrender. 695 00:49:15,819 --> 00:49:21,985 However, I would like to discuss some of your... other talents. 696 00:49:25,262 --> 00:49:27,162 ♪ Behind that monarch of the road 697 00:49:27,197 --> 00:49:29,188 ♪ Observer of the Highway Code 698 00:49:29,232 --> 00:49:31,427 ♪ That big six wheeler, scarlet painted 699 00:49:31,468 --> 00:49:33,299 ♪ London Transport, diesel engined 700 00:49:33,337 --> 00:49:35,430 ♪ 97 horsepower 701 00:49:35,472 --> 00:49:37,235 ♪ 97 horsepower omnibus 702 00:49:37,274 --> 00:49:39,367 ♪ Hold very tight, please ♪ 703 00:49:39,409 --> 00:49:42,901 - Lovejoy! Who's he? - Some kid collecting car numbers. 704 00:49:42,946 --> 00:49:44,937 Who's playing the piano? 705 00:49:47,417 --> 00:49:49,408 Oh. 706 00:49:51,321 --> 00:49:54,051 Not finished yet, Auntie. Now, any more requests? 707 00:49:54,091 --> 00:49:59,393 Yes. What about that tune that introduces the snooker on BBC2. Scott Joplin, isn't it? 708 00:49:59,963 --> 00:50:02,295 (Plays The Entertainer) 709 00:50:04,935 --> 00:50:08,735 - Excellent choice, if I may say so, sir. - Thank you, Bruce. 710 00:50:09,673 --> 00:50:12,767 - Excuse me. - Hello, Justin. 711 00:50:12,809 --> 00:50:15,972 - Oh, hello, Lovejoy. - I'd like a word with you. 712 00:50:16,013 --> 00:50:19,141 By the way, Lovejoy, did Hardwick mention which house? 713 00:50:19,816 --> 00:50:22,114 - Sorry? - That George and Angela burgled? 714 00:50:22,152 --> 00:50:24,620 Oh, he didn't have to. I already knew.